


Lost and Found

by Sand_wolf579



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e15 Necromancing the Stone, Fire Totem, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mick is Better Than he Thinks he is, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 16:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14048595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sand_wolf579/pseuds/Sand_wolf579
Summary: Mick reflects on his fire totem and whether he really deserves it or not





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> I am so freaking excited that Mick has his own totem. A small part of me had hoped that he would get the earth totem, just because fire seemed too predictable. Now though, I couldn't be more pleased that he has the fire totem. I love how much control he has with it, because we've seen that totems can be difficult to control, and can be pretty easy to lose control of them. And we know that Mick doesn't have a lot of self-control when it comes to even just normal fire, so that makes it just twice as awesome that he seemed to have control of his totem. At least, from what little we got to see of him with it. (Seriously, I really don't get it. How is it that Ava, Constantine, and Gary got more focus in this episode than most of the Legends did? Ava, I kinda get, because she played a big role in bringing Sara back, but the other two? I like them okay as characters, but I don't like that the episode was more about them than the other Legends. It just doesn't feel right.)

Mick wasn’t normally the kind of person who liked to think deeply about things. He sometimes couldn’t help but get lost in his own thoughts, which he really didn’t enjoy. His mind had a tendency to go to dark places. He hadn’t exactly had the easiest, happiest life. His whole life had just been one bit of hell after another. If he wasn’t thinking about one thing, he was thinking of something else.

That was a big part of the reason why Mick was rarely sober. He remembered when he was a kid he always used to tell himself that he wouldn’t ever turn to drinking. He wouldn’t let himself become angry and drunk like his father. Back then, he couldn’t predict what he would go through. A part of him hated that he had become what he had most despised. A larger part of him though understood the need to numb the pain. Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest coping method, but it was the only way he knew to keep himself sane.

Beer. Fire. Stealing. Fighting. Mick did whatever he could to distract himself from his destructive, dark thoughts. It usually caused him to come off as a bit of an idiot, but he didn’t really care. He wasn’t the brains of the team anyways. He would leave the thinking to Boss, Pretty, and Haircut.

If Mick’s mind got too busy that even a drink couldn’t dull it, he turned to writing. If he could pretend that his dark thoughts were actually Buck’s, then he was just fine. Writing about his thoughts and emotions through the character that he had created was more therapeutic than he could have ever expected. It was the only way that he could accept his reality, by pretending it wasn’t his own.

Sometimes though Mick had no choice but to let himself get deep into his thoughts. He never wanted to, but sometimes it was necessary, such as when he was given the fire totem.

Mick didn’t really understand it. He had heard all about the totems from Amaya, how they were created to protect some african tribes. The way that Amaya had explained the totems, anybody could learn how to use an individual totem, but only somebody who was born with the right disposition could use the totems so easily and naturally. Mick didn’t know how true that was, because he had seemed to instinctively know how to use the fire totem, but he seriously doubted that he was ‘meant’ for the totem, like Amaya seemed to think.

That was the reason why Mick was in his room, by himself, thinking. Amaya had made it clear that she believed that he was meant for the totem, but she knew how he felt about it. So Amaya had told him to go to a quiet place and ‘connect’ with his totem.

Mick didn’t really get how he was supposed to connect with a necklace. He barely understood how to connect with other people. But Amaya was confident in him, and Mick really didn’t want to let her down, even if he didn’t entirely agree with her.

So here he was, thinking about his totem. He really didn’t know what kind of connection Amaya wanted him to find. The closest thing he felt to a connection was that he somehow didn’t feel like an imposter when he was wearing the fire totem. He still didn’t think that he was meant to bare the totem,so he didn’t really understand why he didn’t feel like he wasn’t meant for it. He really actually felt okay with it.

Mick wondered if his feelings were just deceiving him, or if he was too drunk and numb at the moment, because he just couldn’t believe that he would feel comfortable with the fire totem. This was a lot of power that he was wearing around his neck, and he had seen just how easily these totems could get out of control. Amaya had lost control of her totem for a bit. The pirate queen had been killed by the earth totem. Sara had completely lost herself to the death totem. Not just anybody could control these things, and Mick really doubted that he was somebody that could.

Amaya said that the totems could amplify somebody’s deepest emotions, and that could either be a really good, or a really terrible thing. Mick had dark emotions, so he had been sure that the totem would take that and run off and destroy the world with it. Amaya and Sara were two of the most heroic people that he knew, and they have both lost themselves to their totems. Mick was positive that his thoughts were darker than theirs, but when he had first put on the totem, he hadn’t felt any of that. No darkness. No temptation. Just...warmth.

Even after Mick had summoned fire with the totem he had felt completely fine, which really didn’t make sense. Mick had been obsessed with fire his whole life. If there was one thing that he knew and was familiar with, it was fire and how it affected him. Much more often than not he would completely lose himself in the flames. He would see the flames and his mind would just go blank. It was as though nothing else existed except him and the flame, except maybe the burning pain on his arm, if he was really having a bad day and needed that extra bit of an edge to break through the pain in his mind.

He had never been a casual fan of fire. He couldn’t think of a single time in his life when he had watched a flame and not just been completely lost in it. He had thought that would be even more true when he was dealing with fire that he had summoned himself from a magical totem. He had been surprised to find that he could even summon the fire in the first place. He was even more surprised that he wasn’t lost in it.

Mick had been in awe of the fire, but he hadn’t lost himself in it. He knew that Amaya had been concerned that he was lost, but she didn’t have anything to worry about. Somehow, Mick had been in complete control, both of the fire, and of his own mind.

It was an unfamiliar feeling. Mick couldn’t remember a time when he had felt completely in control of himself, not even as a kid. And fire just wasn’t something that could be controlled. Anybody that tried to control fire just ended up getting burned. Mick knew that better than anybody. And yet, when he had the totem fire in his hands, he had nothing but control over the fire, and it felt so strange.

The flame stayed the exact size that he imagined that it should be. The flickering flames didn’t dance out of control. He had apparently also influenced the heat of the flame. He didn’t feel like he could get burned by the fire unless he really wanted to. The fire wasn’t hot, but it was definitely warm. Mick would even swear that he felt the warmth within his chest. It was an odd, unfamiliar feeling, which made Mick feel a little uncomfortable, because he really didn’t like things to be unfamiliar.

Still, he couldn’t deny that it felt pretty nice.

Mick didn’t really know how to feel about this totem. He didn’t think he was good enough to be trusted with it, but the rest of the team seemed to think that he was. Ray and Amaya had both told him that he was a good person. One part of Mick really didn’t believe them, because their words went against everything that he had thought about himself his entire life. On the other hand, Mick trusted his teammates more than he trusted himself. Especially Ray and Amaya. They were both kind and always tried to find the good in people, but they wouldn’t lie to him to make him feel better about himself. If they said that he was a good person, they really thought that he was a good person.

Maybe they were right. Mick would just need more time to think things over about that. He would need more than just a few moments to switch around the one constant thought that he had had about himself throughout his entire life.

Mick didn’t really know if he would ever be able to admit to himself that he was a hero. He looked out for his teammates, and he had definitely played a part in saving the world and the timestream a couple of times, but that didn’t mean that he was a hero. Still, maybe...maybe he could come to terms with being a totem barer. He knew that he would be able to count on Amaya to show him how to use it right, and to pull him back if he ever started to go over the edge with it. 

Besides, now that he had the totem, Mick didn’t think that he wanted to let it go. He still didn’t think that he should be trusted with something this powerful, but the totem just felt so right. Like Amaya said, it felt like he was meant to have it, to use it. The totem felt so natural with him that a part of Mick wondered if this dumb necklace was what he had been missing his whole life. The thing that could balance out how messed up he was.

...No, that was just stupid. It didn’t make sense that something that could create fire could balance out his obsession with fire. It was a crazy thought.

Still, the totem did feel really warm, and not in a dangerous way either. It was the kind of warmth that Mick had never felt before, like coming home after being lost for a long time and just feeling safe. Mick didn’t really understand the feeling, and he didn’t know why he thought of that specific analogy to describe it, but it just felt right. 

Having the fire totem resting against his chest just felt right, and even if Mick didn’t understand or agree with the feeling, even if he felt like he didn’t deserve it, he liked it. Maybe someday Mick would figure out his emotions and get over the guilt of just wearing the totem. In the meantime though, he was just going to enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Mick. He's probably the one character that has developed the most during this show, which is why I feel like it's really sad that he's probably the one Legend that gets the least amount of focus. Any character development that we do get from him seems to be mostly just implied. I like how in these past two episodes we've gotten some deep implications on Mick's character. He really doesn't like change, and he doesn't feel like he's good enough of a person to be a hero. Those two things have so much potential of showing us a side to him that we haven't seen before, but they're barely even glanced over, and I really hate it. I really like how the team is starting to accept that Mick is more than just a criminal, but now we need to have him figure it out too, and the show is just not giving it to us, and it's such a shame.
> 
> Also, this may be completely unrelated, but if you've read one of my Legends of Tomorrow or Flash stories before, you will know that I tend to have a little rant in the author's notes, so here it is, just to get it off my chest. I've seen some people say that they really liked this last episode because it 'finally' gave us some focus on Sara...uh, am I watching the same show as you guys? Sara is arguably the main character of this series, and this isn't even a show that should have a main character, because it's about a team. Sara has gotten so much character development, and so many chances to show how awesome she is. For people who don't like Sara as a character, like me, it gets a little annoying. And yet there are some people who think that she is 'finally' getting focus? How much focus do you want her to get?
> 
> Sorry about that, it just irritated me a little bit. On a more on topic note, does anybody have some Mick focused stories to recommend? I really want to read about him, but anytime I try I find way more stories that are about Len/Barry or Len/Sara, and Mick is just kinda a background character in there. I don't know how to narrow down my searches in a way to find stories that are about Mick, so if you know of any really good ones, I would love to hear about them.


End file.
